Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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