you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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