i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
