Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
