Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
