just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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