every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
