Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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