Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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