it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
as a side note pls kill me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
