Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
