I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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