i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
