my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
