I think I won the penis lottery.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
