yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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