Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
