If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
