"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
