3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
