How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
