I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
