I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
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I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
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Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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