She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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