Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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