Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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