WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
