Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
