im six kinds of drunk right now
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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