I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
