God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
