So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
