I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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