There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
