Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
