yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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