Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
