Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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