dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
