once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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