His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
