I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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