I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
