In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
