i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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