She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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