This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
