I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm having to shit out rocks
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