puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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