The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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