Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
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I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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