I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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