whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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