Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
