i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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