I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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